If we aren’t tuned into our feelings, it can lead to making decisions, or displaying behaviours that we might regret or that might make us feel embarrassed, or keep us stuck, or cause arguments, or lead to even more behaviours that create problems, instead of finding solutions. Step 4 of emotion coaching is the part where we need to figure out what’s going on with our behaviour, why we did what we did, and what we need to do to make it right.
It’s worth noting that Step 3, setting limits on behaviour, might actually come after Step 4 on many occasions for us as adults as we may need to figure out what’s next before setting limits on our behaviour. I will go into that with examples next week.
Before I go on to Step 4 in more detail, here’s a quick recap on the steps of emotion coaching ourselves:
Step 1 - empathy for ourselves. Being able to sit with our own emotions and be ok with what we are feeling, whatever it is. Notice and take note.
Step 2 - validate and label the feeling.
Step 3 - set limits on our behaviour - if we need to.
Step 4 - figure out what’s next?
For emotion coaching a child - whether it’s parenting or in an education setting - step 4 is problem solving with the child taking the lead.
This step of emotion coaching ourselves, focuses on taking actions and being responsible for sorting out unhelpful behaviours and patterns. It’s about, ‘how can I take the steps I need to to take charge of my life and make better decisions based on my emotional world?’
Step 4 might shine a light on how cut off from our emotions we have been which might have led to living our lives unconsciously i.e. making ‘decisions’ that were based on past conditioning, and not really knowing why we did what we did. This was me for most of my adult life - my decisions were rarely made from a place of authentic connection to who I was. It could be uncomfortable but it’s worth it for anyone who wants to get to know themselves, their motivations, their regrets, their patterns and changing them. This step is very much about bringing us into conscious awareness and learning who we are.
I’m going to illustrate Step 4 with a wee light hearted example (which actually serves to illustrate a more serious issue, that I’ll touch on at the end), from that wee show you may have heard of…Friends.
The One With the Ross and Rachel Example
When things started to crumble between Ross and Rachel, it might well have been an opportunity for Ross and, maybe even Rachel to practice emotion coaching. Ross, more than Rachel if we’re being totally honest. At what point could Ross have implemented the steps and could it have made a difference to him and their relationship? It wouldn’t have made for a very good storyline, but hey it’s a good example.
I will focus on Ross as his anxious attachment and trust issues was the catalyst for the demise of the relationship.
For fans, we know it all started to fall apart when Rachel got the job at Bloomingdales alongside Mark. Ross’s emotions from when Carol cheated on him were all coming back to the surface, all still stored inside of him and this was his trigger. In Season 3, Episode 12, “The One With All the Jealousy” when Rachel starts her new job, he sends all sorts of whacky gifts to her office, including a barbershop quarter, and she tells him, “it was like you were marking your territory.”
At the end of the episode we see them having a beautiful, vulnerable chat where Ross apologises and communicates to Rachel about the effects of Carol leaving him. Rachel actually dismisses his feelings when she tells him that, “when two people love each other and trust each other like we do, there’s no reason to be jealous”. You could say this is quite dismissive of his feelings, and instead she could have used emotion coaching step 1 - empathy to say something like, “I understand why you’re feeling the way you do. I get that jealousy is something you struggle with but you can trust me, I am not Carol, and this is now, and I will do my best not to hurt you.” Maybe she even takes the opportunity to communicate her values and cheating is not something she would ever do.
Ultimately, it’s Ross that needs to take control of his emotions and sort through his sh*t. He is telling himself stories about his present relationship, generated by thoughts from his past that are causing anxious emotions to arise that he will be cheated on again. Perhaps there is an argument that Rachel doesn’t seem to want to compromise but he doesn’t take control of his emotions or how he communicates, and starts to try to control Rachel’s actions so that he can feel better, which ultimately ends in them taking a break from ‘us’.
Using the steps of emotion coaching he would have been able to sit with his emotions and assure himself it was ok to feel how he felt. He could have labelled his emotions as jealousy and anxiety and recognised that his stories and feelings were not based on his current reality. He could have set limits on his behaviour, like not sending a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend’s office, or acting like a chimp (chimp brain!), or getting annoyed about Rachel working so much. And instead, he could have been more patient and supported her on her new, long awaited journey to independence, which was a far cry from using daddy’s credit card. He could have changed the narrative in his own head to his advantage.
But even after the gift-sending behaviour, and his apology, he could have used Step 4 to recognise that he had a problem with possessive, jealous behaviour and then used step 3 to put limits on his behaviour. But he didn’t. Instead, we see him get passive aggressive about Rachel going to a fashion lecture and then he goes to the lecture with them, and is so bored he falls asleep. Would he have done this if he had emotion coached himself after the last time? Would he have noticed that he was falling into the same patterns of distrust and jealousy?
Would he have went on to sleep with Chloe the copy girl had he taken stock of his emotions and fictitious stories that he was projecting onto Rachel and their relationship?
Again there is the argument that Rachel could have been more empathic with him, but she isn’t his mother, and she never did anything to make him feel the way he did, yet Ross made her feel like she was the one who needed to change her choices.
Step 4 is the step of emotion coaching that’s about taking ownership and figuring out how better to move forward with difficult emotions we face. For adults who are disconnected from our feelings, it could actually be step 1 as it’s essentially noticing that we have a problem that needs to be sorted out. In that respect, emotion coaching ourselves, is not linear but all steps work together, with Step 1 - empathy, being the driving force behind it all as it’s a must that we are ok with feelings and making mistakes.
Ross never had the tools to emotion coach himself, and didn’t know how his brain wasn’t allowing him to engage in rational, logical, factual thoughts to offset the stories he was making up based on past experiences. If Rachel had behaved in the same way towards him, I’m pretty sure she’d have been called crazy, or a bunny boiler.
On a more serious note, jealousy in relationships can be extremely toxic and jealousy is a motivation for men who commit femicide. It can be the emotional driver behind domestic abuse, gaslighting, coercion and controlling behaviours, manipulation that no woman should have to tolerate it.
To peace and prosperity,
jaxx x
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