I have never been very good at the dating thing. In my adolescence, my twenties, thirties, and even the beginning of my forties I was in unconscious, ‘fog-tunnel’ dating mode. After several years of needing to focus on my own stuff, I felt it was time to get back out there and I have hopped back onto the dating train.
Over the years I have had ok and not-so-ok dating experiences. I have read articles, and blogs, and participated in a lot of overthinking about why I wasn’t able to meet someone. I even bought a book called, “How to Get the Guy” by a chap called Matthew Hussey, which I ended up putting in the bin! And I can now see why that book was never going to work for me at that time in my life.
If you have been reading my newsletters, you will know already that I’ve been taking responsibility for owning my sh1t for five years now. When I first started, I was still not in the right place to be dating, and I made mistakes, and then when 2020 came along and took the rug from under our feet, well, dating was the last thing on my mind, and has been until now.
Although I have only been on the apps for a few weeks, I can already see the difference in my approach, which is very affirming and encouraging. I am under no illusions that I may well stumble and falter along the way! But at least I have escaped the unconscious fog-tunnel.
What is unconscious dating?
If I had to define unconscious dating, when a loving, long-term, healthy relationship is the goal, it would be;
“dating without knowing who you are, or what your needs or wants are, lacking the confident to enjoy dating because you don’t have the tools or awareness to know who you want to be with or how to choose a suitable partner.”
This can lead to being the classic ‘bad-picker’ (read my newsletter on that here), being with unsuitable or unsavoury characters and wondering why we keep ending up in these situations, or not being able to meet someone at all.
I view unconscious dating as being in a state of doing something because it is expected of us, or because we think we should be dating, rather than focusing on having the knowledge that we need to feel good enough in ourselves in order to date consciously so we can attract people that create space for a healthy relationship to blossom.
Unconscious dating and self-betrayal
In the world of unconscious dating, self-betrayal can show up incessantly. Like that ex that you don’t want contacting you but they can’t take the hint. Whether it’s ignoring online dating ‘red flags’ even though your intuition told you otherwise, or accepting sloppy behaviour in the hope that it’s a ‘one-off’, or hopping into bed before an emotional connection has had a chance to form (remember I’m referring to unconscious dating, if frivolous sex is a conscious, guilt-free, adult choice, go for it), self-betrayal is something that we really need to start swiping to the left.
When we tolerate behaviours or treatment that aren’t serving us, or do things we aren’t ready for, or go with the flow to seem like we’re cool and fun, we ultimately do ourselves a dis-service.
In order to rectify and change self-betraying behaviours, we need to up our self-awareness game, which comes from emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence and unconscious dating
You knew I was going to end up here. It’s the baseline driver for every relationship we will ever have. If we don’t aim to up the ante on our emotional intelligence, we won’t be able to up the ante in our dating life. We’ll stay stuck in unhelpful patterns and wonder why we never meet someone ‘good’.
Like attracts like. If our EQ is not well-developed, then chances are we’ll attract someone who matches our level. Let’s take a very recent pop culture example from one of my favourite ‘switch off’ shows. Some would probably say I should switch it off, but I mean, it’s a show that allows me to switch off my brain at the end of the day - Married at First Sight Australia. I think I might have mentioned it before.
On the most recent series, a very handsome chappy called Duncan was paired with a lovely lady called Allysa. Everything was going swimmingly for them. They had a beautiful ‘wedding’ day, instant attraction, they seemed to be getting on well. And then things changed. Without boring you with the details and not being judgey about her at all, but rather echoing what the ‘experts’ on the series also pointed out, Duncan was one of the most emotionally intelligent men in the group. Sadly for Alyssa, she couldn’t see it. And she also couldn’t see her own levels of emotional intelligence, which appeared to be dampened by her insecurities.
It was very sad to watch and ultimately Duncan walked away from it. He knew it wasn’t the right relationship for him.
What was very interesting to see (although I also appreciate these shows are heavily edited) was that Alyssa managed to convince herself that she was the one who was right, and he was wrong, and it wasn’t until she saw her behaviour played back to her (cringe!), that she could finally see what she needed to.
How to recognise unconscious dating
I would say when I look at my own experience, it’s actually not that easy to spot unconscious dating in ourselves, because we’re in it and it takes a lot of self-awareness to see what we need to see. It’s that ‘can’t see the woods for the trees’ thing. When you’re living in a fog tunnel, everything is, well, foggy.
With the benefit of a clean, fog-free rearview mirror, I would say that the four biggest indicators of unconscious dating are:
not loving yourself and seeking external validation from a partner. If we don’t truly love who we are, or at least know that we are ‘good enough’ to deserve love then we won’t be dating with the energy of someone who is self-assured, centred, and an emotionally mature adult. Test: write down five things you love about yourself, and if you struggle, it might be time to figure some stuff out…;
knowing what you truly want from a partner. A test for this would be writing down what qualities and values you are seeking, where they see themselves in five years time or if they have the same dating intentions as you do - getting married, long-term relationship, kids etc;
expecting to have butterflies or instant physical attraction the first time you meet. It’s not high school and putting too much emphasis on physical attraction is, I would say, a big indicator there may be some emotional intelligence work to be done. Yes attraction is important, but it can grow, although I appreciate we need to draw the line at some point rather than wasting our own, or other people’s time. Notice in yourself whether you are judging someone on their looks alone, and if so, take a step back and ask why and is it appropriate at your age;
going with the flow, not having the confidence to say ‘no’, not speaking up for yourself, or being inauthentic on dates. We all like to put our best foot first, but not to the detriment of lying to impress, or adjusting our behaviour to suit the person opposite us, or what we ‘think’ we should be like. Notice when you feel unsettled or at odds with what you are doing versus what you would rather be doing, or who you really are.
Moving towards conscious dating?
Quite simply, I believe it is taking full responsibility for being the type of person we want to attract. We have to get to know ourselves first and foremost before we can even begin to consider what sort of partner we want in our lives. If we don’t know who we are, how can we be expected to get to know someone else on a deep and meaningful level?
When we get to the point where we feel like we aren’t meeting who we want to meet, it might well be time to make an effort to ask questions of ourselves and take steps to date the mirror. Instead of buying books about ‘how to get the guy’, we need to take the time get to know who we are first.
To peace and prosperity,
jaxx x
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