The Born Sullivan SEQs Evolution is my series looking at an emotions-first approach to sex. Since the ‘women’s sexual liberation’ movement of the 1960s, I believe attitudes to sex have shifted too far in the wrong direction. My thoughts and beliefs are based on my personal experiences throughout my unconscious, ‘fog-tunnel’ adult life and on research I am doing. There is no judgement here and everyone is free to make their own choices in life and to be responsible for any outcomes of those decisions. To your peace and prosperity.
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I remember when I was at school, the embarrassment and giggling that ‘section six’ of biology created amongst us. In an all-girls school, it was a male teacher standing in front of us telling us about periods and sex education, odd, but anyway. We weren’t taught or given guidance on matters that I believe were, and are, far more important than how the sperm goes into the egg or how much blood to expect to flow during a typical period.
A quick look at education.gov website and it would appear that sex education has changed a lot since I was at school. There seems to be more of a focus on the emotional side. But is there room for improvement? What more could be happening, not just in schools. In fact, I’d suggest that government funded schools are perhaps not the right place for teaching emotional intelligence as the ‘curriculum’ will be devised to suit government policies, which is always inevitably driven by toxic political dogma which isn’t always in the interests of children, no matter what the rhetoric says.
Do wee need to, and how can we improve emotional intelligence through the wider tentacles of a values-based, emotionally intelligent society?
Prioritise and normalise fertility window conversations over period chat
The only conversations I ever had about whether or not to have intercourse centred around the question, “are you on your period”, or “I can’t I’m on my period”. I can honestly say I have never had a conversation or even a thought about my fertility window, and I am so lucky that I never fell pregnant as I am pretty sure I would have been a terrible mother.
I’ve carried out a quick scan of the ‘family-planning’ content online and fertility windows are mostly focused on when people are planning to have a baby, not when they don’t want one. A man can impregnate a woman 365 days a year. A woman’s window for creating the circumstances for this to even be possible, is just 65 days a year if we work on the basis of a five-day fertile window before the egg is released.
Do they teach this in schools? Do teens get told to avoid those fertile days, to not have intercourse at all, even if you’re on the pill or use a condom? Would it be better to advise to enjoy yourselves in other ways for that short window and look forward to having messy sex when she has her period? After all, the mess of an unplanned pregnancy is a much bigger consequence to have to deal with.
Emotionally intelligent sex choices
Emotional intelligence wasn’t something I was taught at school or at home. I’m not sure if it should be the domain of teachers to teach kids emotional intelligence, however I’m sure it would be far more useful to them than trigonometry. Without getting any deeper into the ins and outs of the education system, how could emotional intelligence be more prevalent in society? And if it was a focus in schools, what might it look like?
There are many definitions and ways to explain emotional intelligence. A widely accepted framework is Goleman’s five pillars, which are:
1. effective communication or social skills
2. self-awareness
3. self-regulation
4. motivation
5. empathy
These five basic pillars could be used to teach teenagers or young adults to make better decisions around sex. The big issue is that they won’t happen overnight, and emotion coached children will inevitably go on to have a better EQ.
Effective communication or social skills – have you communicated about having sex? Are you both in agreement about the outcome, or what you are both expecting from it? Are you both happy to walk away from it? Are you both n agreement about what it means? If it means anything? Is she in her fertile window? And so many more…
Self-awareness – this a big one when it comes to decisions about having sex. Self-awareness is about conscious decision-making, and making the decisions that are best for a teenager in that moment and for their future-self . This isn’t always going to be saying yes to having sex, especially if that decisions is tainted by other factors like drugs, alcohol, or peer pressure. Self awareness in teens should be something we are all encourgaing young people to strive towards. Knowing how they are feeling and being able to label it is inextricably linked to knowing who they are, knowing what they want, and knowing what they don’t want. Feelings are there to serve us, and if something doesn’t feel right, or if it does, and we are conscious of how we are feeling, teenagers can learn to make the right decision for them based on their own self-awareness.
Self-regulation – being able to regulate emotions is a major aspect of EQ. Attraction and hormones, especially at that age, can be all over the place, and regulating emotions as a teenager, or child going through puberty is not easy! Impulsive behaviour that doesn’t serve them is usually followed by regret as it is at any age. Impulsive behaviour that could cause negative or unwanted consequences is something that teens need to be very aware of. Having tools to regulate their emotions, and knowing how to do it could and should lead to more self-confidence and the capability to navigate decisions.
Self-motivation – this is all about delaying gratification, a huge part of emotionally intelligent sexual choices. Engage the brain before doing anything that might cause regret later. This is where choosing emotions-first sex comes into play – where two people connect emotionally before choosing to have sex.
Empathy – this is where I believe we ought to be encouraging teens to look at the other person to consider why they want to have sex. Do they want to have sex because they know you? They love you? Or because they just want to have sex because all of their friends are? It might be useful to encourage the question, “why do you want to have sex with me?” Or to at least consider that question internally to figure out any confused feelings. This could also be applied to applying empathy inwards and asking the same questions in the mirror.
What Does Being a Good Parent Look Like?
Are teens taught that being a parent is the biggest responsibility that anyone will ever have? Are they taught about emotion coaching and how this is how a child has the best chance at a healthier, happier life? At what point do they think they would be capable of providing this for a child? And are they financially equipped to have a baby, which ties back in to self-awareness? It is a big event, that has knock-on consequences for any children or adults born as a result of an unplanned pregnancy. And often, these consequences can be very damaging.
From what I can see, there is a lot of scope for a more emotions-first approach to sex education. It’s important because it is well documented that, generally speaking, children born into one-parent families, usually single mothers, are at an immediate disadvantage, and one that will most likely continue if we don’t improve the EQ of current and future generations.
To peace and prosperity,
jaxx
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