“Trust the science”. It’s been a bit of a mantra for many, especially of late, and I’m sure it has it’s place. One such area I’d point to is the evidence that suggests that the human brain isn’t fully developed until age twenty five (links to references at the end). There are already many factors that contribute to, or detract from the vast swathes of successful connections that must be made in the brain (and with the nervous system) to create a conscious, emotionally intelligent adult, connected to their emotional world and inner being. If that is the case, then I can’t help but ask myself, why is it that the ‘legal’ age for being able to make an informed choice about having sex - consent - is age sixteen, almost a decade before the brain is fully developed?
They grow up so fast? Or society attempting to speed up a process that needs longer to grow?
You hear people saying, “they’re growing up so fast”, or maybe even, “kids grow up so fast these days”. Well, I’d like to pose the question, are they really? Physically maybe? I took a loooong time to grow up emotionally!
Could that off-the-cuff statement be shining a little light onto a society that appears to have normalised the ability to make a sound decision about a physically and emotionally intimate, intimidating and potentially even shame-inducing experience at the age of sweet sixteen? The same system that, two years later, classes those same children, sorry, young people, as adults who can watch pornography, and buy and drink alcohol?
At sixteen, adolescents are swamped with changes to their body and their brain. All of this is happening whilst trying to navigate the world around them and find their individuality, whilst at the same time, trying to find out where they fit in.
For those teenagers who have had the advantage of a loving, emotion-embracing household, with a mother and a father, or caregivers who are emotionally intelligent, they will most likely navigate their teenage years with more of their brain connections formed, allowing them to make better decisions.
But that’s not what adolescence is all about is it? Risk-taking, trying new things, making mistakes, learning lessons, discovering and exploring is what those years are for aren’t they? The range and impact of any decisions will likely depend on the influences and expectations that are put in place by everyone and everything that is happening around them.
Great SEQspectations - what I wish I’d knew when…
I lost my virginity when I was nineteen. It wasn’t an experience I enjoyed. I wasn’t present. It didn't feel good. And I was under the influence of alcohol giving me fake confidence to do something I know I wouldn’t have engaged in soberly. Not only did I feel under pressure to have sex because of my age and my peer group, I was surrounded by societal narratives driven by the so called ‘women’s sexual liberation’ movement. Narratives that I now know were not liberating for me. [This isn’t about shaming any girl or woman who consciously chooses to have sex without an emotional connection - if that’s your thing and you are at peace with those decisions, it’s none of my business.]
For me, nineteen was too young. I may have looked like a tall, confident nineteen year old but I lacked self-esteem, I thought I was ugly and self-respect wasn’t in my vocabulary. I had no self-identity at all, no idea who or what I was.
Yes I could laugh it off and put it down to being young and stupid, but that’s not who I am and, with the benefit of a clear rear view mirror, it’s not who I was either. Throughout my life I have met women younger than me who were miles ahead in their emotional development. The difference was, I couldn’t see the absence of this skill that was causing me to behave in ways that weren’t in alignment with who I really was, and what I knew deep down, I wanted and needed. Somehow, I’d managed to convince myself I was ‘having fun’.
I didn’t know that my adolescent brain from the age of twelve to twenty four needed the chance to develop its own set of values, ethics and moral code with the guidance of trustworthy adults. I didn’t know that my pre-frontal cortex needed time and the right type of environment to connect to my limbic system in my brain. I didn’t know that, in those highly important adolescent years this was crucial to shaping my reality, my conditioned responses, my unhelpful patterns and the relationship I would have with myself, and with others.
What I wish I’d had when I was that age…
I wish I’d had an adult I trusted who was brave and nurturing to give me advice that there was no rush. Maybe I did, and I’ve forgotten, and I simply didn’t listen. I wish I’d had someone to tell me sex is a delicious, satisfying dish that’s best served up with love, affection, tenderness, joy and an emotional connection. And, for those lucky enough to find it, a spiritual connection.
Instead of buying into the women’s sexual liberation narratives, I wish I’d been exposed to a SEQs evolution - an emotions-first approach to sex, focusing on emotional connections to Self first and foremost, to develop those connections within. Maybe I was looking in the wrong places.
Is it time to ‘trust the science’ and become more conscious of ow to better equip adolescents with the tools they need to make more informed, conscious choices at a time when the brain and emotional-world is running rampant?
To peace and prosperity,
jaxx
References and useful reading
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, John Gottman, Ph, D
Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, Dan Siegel
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