Step 3 of emotion coaching ourselves as adults is the part where we are noticing how our feelings (and associated thoughts) are affecting our behaviour. I’m going to use an example that I can personally relate to - which is diet and exercise, and it’s one that seems to be a constant battle for the majority of the population. I’ll then go on to discuss another unhelpful behaviour that we get drawn into during the crucial and highly important period of adolescent brain development - our relationship with alcohol.
“We are what we eat” and “motivation is what gets you started, habit is what keeps you going.”
Diet and Exercise
I have never considered myself to be overweight but I will never forget the trigger that got me exercising. I was in my late twenties and I had a bit of a ‘muffin top’ appearing above my jeans. It was enough of a reason for me to be motivated to do something about it. But I didn’t go straight to a gym or a class, which is probably what I should have done. I was far too self-conscious and instead I bought workout DVD’s - thanks Ministry of Sound! I worked out alone in my livingroom having a great time jumping about and getting a sweat on to some cheesey house music. Then one hot summer’s day, I decided it was too nice to stay indoors alone, and I pulled on a baseball cap and off I went on my first ‘run’, the baseball cap covering up my embarrassment and awkwardness. Who did I think I was running?
It was the first of many runs, and it was running that gave me the confidence to continue exercising. I then moved on to trying out different classes and every week I had something to look forward to that had a benefit to my life and my health and wellbeing.
No one can really explain the positive feelings that exercise produces afterwards. A feeling of achievement, reward, elation. It’s a time to switch off and do something that our body and mind thanks us for later. It’s a behaviour that is so incredibly beneficial and yet, so many people just don’t do it (sorry Nike).
Why not? What is the emotion behind the choice not to do something that is so good for health and wellbeing? What emotions stop people from taking the step to take control of their body and mind? Everyone knows the benefits of doing some sort of exercise, but there are emotions, and it will be emotional I guarantee it, that will be preventing taking the step to doing something that will ultimately make them feel better.
This is where Step 3 of emotion coaching would come into play. This is where we could begin to recognise that we need to set limits on our behaviours - helpful and unhelpful. This would be where we decide, “I want to lose weight or get fitter, but I know that I need to do something if I want that to happen. I need to take steps to change my behaviour and how I feel about myself, and exercise.”
What comes first diet or exercise? Chicken or egg? I believe one goes with the other and again, I believe diet comes down to our relationship with our emotional world. Do we feel good enough about ourselves to nourish our body and mind with nutritious food? Or do we not really care enough, and have a diet filled with processed junk, transfats and sugar? Of course, we’re surrounded by the latter, and it all tastes great but if health is important, Step 3 of emotion coaching is about figuring out those limits and applying them.
Alcohol
How many times have we said it, “never again”. And yet, we don’t listen, and we do it again. We go overboard and then usually regret it. From the age of 18, seven years before our brain is fully developed, we are conditioned by society that alcohol, and certainly in Scotland, lots of it, is acceptable.
You’d think by the time we reach our thirties, or forties, or whatever age, that we would learn the lessons that alcohol is a distraction from ourselves, and possibly our problems. It takes commitment to setting very clear intentions that alcohol is going to be either off the table, or limited to a few and this is where Step 3 of emotion coaching ourselves comes into play.
If what we want to do is set limits on our behaviour around alcohol, Step 1 will have allowed us to be ok with feeling the way we do, and that we have reached for alcohol to deal with whatever it is we’re avoiding. Step 2 will have hopefully helped us to recognise what the feelings are that are leading us to reach for the bottle, which should give us some clarity that perhaps alcohol isn’t the answer, and Step 3 of emotion coaching, then allows us to intentionally set limits on our behaviour.
As I have said before, I believe emotion coaching is a very useful tool to help us dig a bit deeper into our own emotional world and to try and figure out why we do what we do, and what we could do to have a better relationship with ourselves to help us create a healthier, happier life. But emotion coaching is not therapy and I am not a therapist. Emotion coaching is rooted in a parenting style and any deeper issues should be discussed with a professional.
To peace and prosperity,
jaxx x
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