Last week I introduced what emotion coaching ourselves is, and how it can actually be a very useful tool for adults of any age to tune into and reconnect with our own emotions. Step 1 is cultivating empathy and today I’m going to introduce what step 2 of emotion coaching ourselves looks like and I’m going to write a bit about why I believe the structure and practice of emotion coaching is a much more useful model than ‘reparenting’.
Step 2 of emotion coaching ourselves
After we have gone through the process of giving ourselves the space to feel what we do, we move on to validating our feelings and labeling them. For us as adults, step 1 and step 2 will be closely linked, as opposed to coaching a child who may need extra time. Empathy for ourselves is cultivating the absolute acceptance that all feelings exist and then we swiftly move on to step 2.
Step 2: Validating our own emotions and labelling them
Validating our own emotions and taking the time to say what the emotion is might be saying to ourselves, either inwardly or outwardly, or to someone else, depending on where we are or what the situation is, “I can see I’m beginning to feel angry”, or “I am experiencing a wave of emotions right now that I can’t put into words. I need a moment” or “I’m beginning to feel upset”, or, perhaps even, “I’m noticing I’m feeling sexually aroused”. I’ll talk about this latter one more as it’s important for making more rational decisions, especially in the highly emotive adolescent years.
Step 2 is very much about the acknowledgement that emotions are stirring within us, which, if we have been cut off from our emotions, or have been conditioned to put other people’s emotions before our own, can actually be quite a challenging thing to do. The sooner we can catch those emotions though, the sooner we can deal with them in a logical way.
When might this be useful?
I’m sure you might already be seeing when this could be a useful tool for those of us who haven’t been in control of our emotions. In the heat of the moment, during an argument with a partner, friend or colleague, noticing when anger or frustration is beginning to stir could be the difference between taking a breath and not saying something we might later regret, or getting into a full blown argument.
In the context of the latter example that I thought I would throw in, it could be the difference between doing something we might regret later or making a decision that aligns with what we actually want, which, if it is a loving relationship, then sex too soon might not be the best choice, even if we are feeling those pangs! Having this level of awareness and connection to the thinking brain, could be the difference between making a rash decision to satisfy a fleeting sexual urge, or making a good decision that honours our wants and needs for building an emotional connection with someone before bringing sex into the equation.
Tuning into how we are feeling quickly, something that will come easily with practice, let’s us take the steps we need to validate our emotions more easily, and label them so that we can engage our thinking brain before that thinking brain leaves us in the lurch!
A bit about ‘reparenting’
Reparenting is often described as, “giving ourselves what we didn’t receive as a child.” According to Dr Nicole Lepera, the four pillars of reparenting are discipline, joy, emotional regulation and self-care. It’s all well and good, but for me, reparenting is a very flimsy and flowery concept that lacks structure, which is where I believe emotion coaching ourselves comes in. Emotion coaching ourselves offers a much more structured and practical way to understand the ‘why’ behind our emotional reactions, i.e. brain function and the nervous system, and I believe it gives us much more agency rather than focusing on the past and what we ‘didn’t receive’ as children. And, if we know that our brain function is something that affects us in the same way, we can then begin to clutivate empathy for those around us too, a key element of emotional intelligence.
It is something that appears to be more focused around spiritual practies, such as meditation and mantras, and self care, like breathing but, from my experience, meditation never worked for me until I had sorted out my unintegrated brain!
Reparenting also, by it’s very nature, puts all of the blame for how we are as adults onto parents, which I don’t think is helpful, as what happens in the home is a consequence of external pressures and societal messages, many of which have been extremely unhelpful for the last hundred years, placing exorbitant pressure on homelife and parents.
I believe the process and information that surrounds emotion coaching is a much more helpful and methodical approach to ‘reparenting’.
To peace and prosperity,
jaxx x
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