I’m kick starting the Born Sullivan journal with a little series of introductions to the three main areas of my life that I feel were most affected by fog-tunnel, low EQ, unconscious living. These are relationships, career, and my relationship with finances.
Before we can do something about our ‘stuff’, we have to be able to see it. And when you are always with yourself, and think your way of being is normal, it can be hard to see.
I managed to live as an ‘adult’ for three decades (18 - my early 40s) without knowing that I needed to wake up, and raise my EQ. As I have said, my regret is that I never noticed it sooner. We all deserve to have a life that is filled with conscious choices, and that is in alignment with who we really are, not a set of conditioned patterns that we did not choose, and do not serve us.
Before I go on, by sharing my experiences, I hope that my stories and observations will help anyone who needs it to recognise where low EQ may be in need of a shake up, and, importantly, to know that you are not alone. Uncovering all of this is not pretty. And doing it alone is not easy either. Depending on your level of self-awareness and what needs to change, or the reasons for your patterns, going it alone, might not even be possible, as you may need support from a professional, so please take that step.
I am not (yet) qualified to give advice, and if anyone is triggered by what I write, it could be shining a light onto places you’d rather keep hidden, so please be mindful of this. It could just be the sign you need to get on that uncomfortable, sometimes painful path of self-awareness. Nothing worth doing is going to come easy. Begin to think about what you can do to begin, and get the help you need rather than muddling through alone. I started my journey by going to see a therapist, which helped, but it took a lot more to become fully Self-aware.
Instead of being embarrassed or ashamed of having a low EQ, I hope my writing can help normalise that low EQ, or unconscious living is conditioning that can be undone, and the sooner we can get on that path to ‘good enough’ emotional intelligence, the sooner we can change our patterns and our lives. It’s important that we recognise that this conditioning isn’t just from our home, or childhood, a lot of it is from the society we live in, and a myriad of narratives that we are exposed to, often without even realising it, that are unhelpful at best, and toxic at worst.
So here’s a little introductory story about relationships and the ell, oh, vee, ee, love life…
I can say with absolute confidence that I have never experienced what real love is. I have never had a man in my life who was able to love me with the kindness, compassion, respect, honesty, and mutual self-growth that I now know I want, and need. As much as I could pass the blame onto the men I’ve had relationships with, that would not be fair. It takes two to tango, but if you’re Spanish dance lessons were by an untrained novice, you’re going to be a bit sh1t, and you’re going to get paired with someone who is equally bad at the tango. Even if I didn’t know it then, the fact was, due to my conditioning, and lack of emotional intelligence, I was a ‘bad-picker’…
The “My God you can pick ‘em” Story
In my mid thirties I moved to England from Scotland for work. I’d taken a wrong turn in my career, and it seemed like it would be a good move. All of my close friends, were married, partnered up, and having kids. And I wasn’t. Nothing was happening for me. Nada. Zilch. Not a sausage. Oh get your head out the gutter, and don’t be so childish… ;-)
I thought, if I moved to another town, another country, it might just do the tricky trick, I’d get the clickety-click that little girl inside of me craved so much. I thought that maybe I just hadn’t met anyone because of where I lived. Yes that was the problem. Geography. I’d move somewhere else, and kablam, the man of my dreams, the fallible human being who I had been conditioned to think would swoop in and save me, was going to magically appear in my life. You hear stories of people moving to new places and meeting someone, then staying there, so why wouldn’t it happen for me?
But that wasn’t what was going to happen for me.
Most likely those people who moved somewhere, weren’t moving to escape their life under the guise of following their career. Those people who met and fell in love, were, probably, perfectly secure in who they were, or just better at forming relationships. I wasn’t. And no amount of moving physically was going to change that.
During the first few months of me moving, and starting the new job, my workplace had a summer gathering. So there I was out with my new colleagues, nervous, and excited. I got very drunk. Very very drunk. I don’t drink a lot these days, and I wish I’d had the sense to see how toxic alcohol is back then. Anyway, we ended our night in a club, followed by the obligatory trip to a takeaway to get food on the way home. It was there that I started chatting to a guy, and we ended up swapping numbers.
To cut a long story short, I fell straight into low EQ dating mode - the signs of which I will go into in more depth soon. Quite simply, this ‘mode’ would lead to me getting caught up in a fantasy of what ‘this’ was going to be and what he was going to be. This perfect stranger, who I didn’t know from Adam. But i was already conjuring up in my head that he was going to be everything I ever wanted.
This was going to be my ‘story’ of moving somewhere new and falling in love. Isn’t that so desperate and needy? And remember, I am in my thirties at this point. I’m not embarrassed by it anymore - ok maybe just a little but I can laugh and shake my own head at myself now. But I do need to be kind to the little girl who was running the show then. That seven years young child, inside an adult woman’s body. Her emotions stored. Her abandonment. Her need for love. Silly cookie.
The real kicker, and it was a sign that I completely missed, is that a friend I had made in my new workplace, who was much younger than me, by more than a decade, but had more emotional maturity in her left pinky than I had in my entire body, summed up my situation in six words,
“my God you can pick ‘em”.
I was a bad-picker. And I was a bad dater. I was terrible with the entire romantic relationship thing. I never knew how to navigate it like an adult. I never knew how to be a confident, self-assured woman who could have a grown-up, emotionally mature interaction with a man I was attracted to. I was so disconnected from my adult Self, it just wasn’t possible. I had no idea who the adult ‘me’ was, or that I was looking to be ‘saved’, and I never would until I could recognise it and take steps to do something about it.
Those six little words from my friend at work were a huge sign that I was living in an unconscious, fog tunnel, living my life as the seven years young version of me. But I missed it. I missed that opportunity to think, “oh my God, you’re right. I am a bad-picker.” I just laughed it off. Being a bad-picker was my ‘normal’. It was also a very good defense mechanism. Because I never had to get close to someone or let anyone in, because I’d unwittingly scare them off. What a wicked web to weave.
Where did my conditioning stem from?
I was born sans bio-dad. I grew up without a dad, and around seven, maybe eight (I don’t remember, my mum reminded me when we finally had the conversation), that I had asked, “where is my dad?” To which she replied, “oh he’s away.”
So there’s two massive rejections whilst my brain was forming in its early days. First – my mum had an unwanted conception. And so too did the man who impregnated her. And second – when I got the answer to my question, ‘where’s my dad’, I now know that, as a small child, I would have internalized “oh he’s away” as “he doesn’t want or love you”. A big fat rejection from the man who is supposed to be the first love of your life…
We all deserve to love and to be loved. But low EQ, caused by any number of reasons, will keep us stuck in unhelpful patterns that we might not even see in ourselves.
If you find yourself dating ‘wronguns’, or people who don’t treat you well, or you abandon yourself, or self-betray, or find yourself fantasising about someone you barely know, it may be a sign that you need to date yourself first to find out who you are, before you find someone else.
Look inwards, with love and kindness, and give yourself permission to want a loving, caring, respectful relationship with the reflection in the mirror, and fingers crossed, we’ll be paired with a much better tango partner.
To peace, prosperity and good enough EQ
jaxx x
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