For the last five years I’ve been unraveling my childhood conditioning in an attempt to try and make sense of who I was, or, should I say, who I am. It's a journey that started because of a simple question as I was approaching forty, “why am I still single?" It has led me down a number of paths, with many rude awakenings, uncomfortable truths, and, plenty of helpful, healing revelations.
My childhood, and the angst-ridden, hormone-driven teenage years had a number of ‘wee-t’ trauma events. I have been able to trace these back and would say that it all started from the moment of conception, up to the age of nineteen. These were things that happened to me that I, unknowingly, buried deep in my body and my mind's coping mechanism. But of course, they didn’t go away, they simply lurked and lingered like a bad mouldy food smell at the back of the fridge.
Those ‘wee-t’ trauma events, mixed with an inadequate education system, and unhelpful messages from the wider narratives of society, led to me living the majority of my adult life in, what I call, an unconscious fog tunnel - an underdeveloped, rock-bottom EQ, or emotional intelligence. To put it quite bluntly, I believe my emotional intelligence had been stunted and stuck at age seven.
How can you know what you want if you don't know who you are?
My lack of emotional intelligence has shown up in so many different ways in my life. Ultimately, it meant that I didn’t know who I was, so I never knew what I wanted or needed, and it took me until the age of forty one, before I started trying to figure it all out.
Yet the signs were all there, and it’s only with the benefit of a clear, fog-free rear-view mirror, that I can see them clearly now. I am finally in a place where I want to share my experiences of how low EQ had woven it's dark tentacles into my teens, twenties, and thirties.
I see low EQ showing up mostly in my relationships (plutonic and romantic), my career choices, and my relationship with finances, which was always from a place of lack, and ‘I don’t deserve more’.
The last five years on my healing path, and this journey to more conscious Self-awareness, I have learned more about myself, than I have in my lifetime. And whilst I don't want to live in regret, or wishing things were different, I do wish this path had opened up to me much sooner.
Can higher emotional intelligence can change the world?
I believe emotional intelligence is a necessity for a healthier, better life, and that it is essential for humanity to live in harmony with mother nature whilst prospering. We can only improve our EQ, or take responsibility for it, if we can recognise there is a problem. When we're so 'in it' and think that how we are behaving is 'normal' it can be hard to zoom out and see what we need to.
By sharing my experiences, I want to help raise the EQ vibration, by providing a space that offers an opportunity to notice, and take responsibility for going on, and staying on the healing, and growth journey. I want to be part of a conversation that imagines a world with autonomous, sovereign, free-thinking, accountable adults, living in peace, and prosperity, with true freedom, which is why I have many observations and thoughts on wider societal narratives that are unhelpful at best, and oppressive at worst, which I will share too.
At the moment, I am writing through the lens of my own personal experiences, and what I’ve been doing to uncondition myself and get out of that oppressive fog tunnel. I am building my theoretical knowledge and skillset by signing up to courses and qualifications.
As I was ready to publish this, a The School of Life article appeared in my social media, so I’m going to share this with you too.
To peace, prosperity, and sovereignty
jaxx
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