I was going to write about parenting styles this week. Instead, I wanted to talk about emotional intelligence from the perspective of someone who could be described as a recovering emotional f**kw1t. That would be me. I’ll be honest, I have been feeling like an imposter writing and talking about emotion coaching. Trying to get a presentation organised to allow me to become an accredited Emotion Coach has not been easy and the self doubt and ‘who the hell do you think you are’ thoughts have crept in.
I’m not a psychotherapist, or a counsellor, or a psychologist. I suppose I am the Heston Blumenthal of emotional intelligence - self taught and it will never stop.
Then I read Stephen King’s, ‘On Writing’ book, which is his personal story and perspective on writing fiction. One of the points he makes is that we need to write about what we know.
What do I know? Well, I know what it’s like to live a life without emotional intelligence. I know the discomfort that nestles alongside waking up to this prickly fact. I know what it’s like to live a life disconnected from your emotions, whilst simultaneously not being connected to your pre-frontal cortex - that part of our brain which gives us the ability to think rationally and keeps our emotional reactions, and our actions/behaviours in check.
And what I can’t help but notice is how the machine, or the system, has managed, and continues to manage to burn a scalding hot iron onto the skin of emotional intelligence.
The ongoing assault of polarity
It feels like that last three years has served up one divisive topic after another. The legacy media and social media algorithms are the vehicles, with the wizard behind the curtain in the driving seat, pressing the emotional buttons of anyone whose buttons are exposed. Are you picturing the scene from Inside Out now?!
I used to get caught up in binary thinking, or left v right, or yes v no, ante v pro. Now, I do my best to speak from my own perspective whilst honouring other people’s. I’m still not perfect, and likely never will be and there are some subjects that I just can’t get on board with but I try to watch and listen to people I didn’t agree with, just to feel those uncomfortable feelings and to try appreciate that everyone is different. Perhaps it’s an age thing. Or perhaps it’s a class thing, or perhaps it’s a political thing.
The political divide
So many of the emotionally divisive topics have crawled into the dangerous web of politics. When I was growing up, discussing who you voted for was considered impolite. I refused to vote in my twenties as I wasn’t interested. Maybe I was more emotionally intelligent than I give myself credit for. I remember feeling like I was stupid for not wanting to engage in political discussions. But was my intuition right? It certainly feels like it.
I’m not politically driven anymore. I find it to be a melting pot of low EQ, polls designed to be polarising, never seeking to find solutions.
The politics of emotional intelligence
If society was one big brain, both the left and right hemispheres would be working together in harmony. It would be engaging the pre-frontal cortex to facilitate rational, considered thoughtful discussions to find solutions. It might sound utopian, and we might never achieve it, but if we shoot for the stars, and aim for the moon, might it allow us to move towards something better than we have now?
We would be free to ask questions about big grey elephants. We’d say what we think and how we feel respectfully without fear of being ‘cancelled’ or disrespected. We would take time to sit with difficult emotions, that may be activated by subjects we don’t know a lot about, or can’t clearly explain - something I used to be guilty of not doing. When I look back in my clean rear view mirror, I can see that I didn’t know what was actually driving many of the beliefs or opinions I held.
In our emotionally intelligent society with one big brain, our collective fingertips would be slower to react on social media, if they reacted at all. Again, I put my hand up as it’s something I can still be guilty of. Certainly not what I used to be.
With the emotionally intelligent big brain of society, would we accept that, for many subjects, it’s ok to say, “I don’t know”.
To peace and prosperity for all.
jaxx x
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