Unlike the disapproving style, which is when a parent would be critical and all rude and judgey about our emotions and behaviour, viewing us with contempt that needed to be controlled and punished, the dismissing style of parenting is when our emotions and behaviour as children were disregarded and swept under the proverbial rug because the parent or caregiver was probably also treated this way.
*Remember - although there is a dominant style, we probably experienced all three, and some of us were lucky enough to have the emotion coaching as the dominant one.*
If the dismissing style of parenting was dominant in our childhood and adolescence it could make us dismissive of our own emotions as adolescents and adults, unable to speak openly about how we are feeling as we might as well ‘leave it’. We let things slide that are upsetting us or making us feel bad in order to ‘keep the peace’. Twenty, thirty, forty years, maybe even fifty years later that same switch is flipped inside of us. We put on a brave face, complete with stiff upper lip but inside we are squirming.
We may feel angry, frustrated, unseen, unheard, unsafe and insecure as our brain and nervous system is activated by the ghosts of experiences past. We learned that our emotions were trivial and insignificant, and because we are wired to need the attachment to adults, the pathways in our brain formed to survive through having our experiences ridiculed, minimised, or scorned.
“Just ignore them,” when you told your caregiver that someone was mean to you in school.
“Don’t worry about it,” when you asked a question or confided in your protector about something that was upsetting you.
How might this show up in our adolescence and adult life?
We won’t be connected to our true emotions, and we might struggle to communicate how we feel if we think that the person opposite us will behave in the same way we experienced the last time we did this with people who loved us and had our best interests at heart. We might become a people pleaser, we might retreat and seclude ourselves, we might get angry or upset in private, or for no apparent reason as the emotions swirl around inside, ready to spill lava all over the perfect kitchen floor.
We may be scared to say how we feel for fear of being rejected and ridiculed, but if we are in a relationship with someone who treats us the same way as we were as children , well then, we might just feel at home. We might, inadvertently, feel ‘safe’ with this person, because even though they don’t take us seriously, this experience is familiar.
How do we deal with that as an adult who has experienced this?
Hopefully, as we get older, or as we learn about how our childhood conditioning and wiring affects us, we begin to notice something isn’t right and we decide to take action. Cognitive dissonance might well rise up, shining a bright light onto the present moment that makes us see that something is out of kilter. Be it an over-reaction, tolerating something we don’t want, or not feeling safe or comfortable with someone we think we should.
If we utilise the simplified four steps outlined by Emotion Coaching UK, this might actually start with Step 2 - which is validating our own feelings and labelling them. Or we might notice that we need to set limits on our own behaviour (if they are causing problems) or the behaviour of others - boundaries, which is step 3 of emotion coaching. This all needs to be done with empathy for ourselves (Step 1), and when communicating with others to ensure we can stay calm and composed.
To ourselves, “Why do I ignore my own feelings and do something that doesn’t make me feel good?”
Or with others, “Why am I tolerating being spoken to like this?”
“Why do I stay with this guy/woman when I’m unable to speak about how I feel without feeling like I’m insignificant or my feelings are stupid?”
“Why did I react or feel that way when they didn’t actually say or do anything wrong?”
If we are in a relationship, or with friends and family, we can step up for our emotions, by communicating respectfully with them. They may not like it, but now we are taking ownership of our feelings and our lives and choices. We can begin to show people how we want to be treated and that our feelings matter to us.
This isn’t an invitation to step into victim mindset, to twist situations or to use our emotions to manipulate. It’s not about blaming the other person, “you made me feel like this or that.” Rather it’s about genuine curiosity about how something has made us feel and why it has made us feel or react in the way we have. Maybe it was us over-reacting because we never felt seen or heard as a child, or maybe we do have a genuine reason for being annoyed about how we feel due to the action of another.
Getting curious about how we feel when we have been disconnected from our emotions whilst simultaneously not being engaged with our thinking/upstairs brain is about authentic connection to self and aiming for that genuine connection to others through openness, vulnerability and honesty and taking responsibility for the fact that our emotions are our North Star, guiding us to a better place within ourselves and with others.
To peace and prosperity
jaxx x
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