This morning I received my certificate of training from Emotion Coaching UK. It was a fantastic two day course with follow up workshops, filled with so much amazing information that I have been able to utilise in my own life, showing up in my role as a volunteer with the Scouting Association and, the main reason for signing up, my writing.
The course is focused on emotion coaching in the education sector, however, the participants on the course were from a wide and varied spectrum of professional settings. However, for me, I was thinking about how to use emotion coaching for adults who may have under-developed EQ, or who struggle to cope with their own emotions, or adults who wants to have more understanding and empathy for children, adolescents and others.
I believe it is a fantastic tool and it’s why I will be sharing more information and developing my first workshop that I’m aiming to deliver very soon to a very small group.
What is emotion coaching?
It was “originally a parenting strategy observed by US psychologist Dr John Gottman (1997). He identified that children who were parented through this strategy were able to control their impulses and delay gratification, self-soothe when upset, have better attentional capacity and increased motivation, performed better academically, and were better able to function in social relationships.”
Whilst the research and practice focuses on parenting, it is something that we can apply to adulthood, similar to the concept of ’reparenting’. However, unlike ‘reparenting’ which has no framework, emotion coaching is a comprehensive tool as it is a four-step process for cultivating a relationship with our own emotions and it all begins with empathy.
Unhelpful childhood messages
As a child in the 70’s and 80’s, one of the most unhelpful messages I received was that “children should be seen and not heard”. Being seen is one of the four cornerstones of secure attachment as proposed by Dan Siegel’s 4 S’s of Attachment - Seen, Safe, Soothed and Secure that leads to a sense of being.
In the context of that statement, it’s not the way we interpret the word ‘seen’ today. It is a highly authoritative, really quite demoralising statement that completely shuts down a child when they speak and is the polar opposite of what we mean by being ‘seen’ today. Being ‘seen’ is being acknowledged, and ensuring a child knows their feelings and what they have to say, matters.
“I see you and I hear you” love from you to you
The statement shows a lack of empathy, which is the very first step of emotion coaching, and indeed, if everyone got that step right, I think we’d be living in a very different world.
It’s one example of many and, unfortunately, a sign of the times - the parents with the parents who lived through a second world war, when emotions were swept under the rug, not something we had to deal with, and should instead be ignored or suffered in silence.
Now, we have the awareness of emotions but with a different set of external pressures that can affect the ability to deal with our own emotions or the emotions of those around us.
Cultivating empathy using emotion coaching
Not having empathy for ourselves can show up as getting into spiraling thoughts, about feeling bad about feeling bad, apologizing for crying or being upset, or feeling like we’re bad for getting angry, or that we shouldn’t be feeling the way we do. We bury it and put on a brave face, or beat ourselves up, when really we need to give ourselves some grace.
In the context of using emotion coaching as adults, young adults or adolescents, how do we speak to ourselves? Do we notice and listen to our feelings? Are we seen by ourselves, do we see those around us and feel seen by those around us? Are we empathic to our own feelings and those of others? Are we ok with feeling the entire spectrum of our emotions?
Cultivating empathy lets us take a breath, be kind to ourselves and use our emotions to identify what the problem is. Empathy is the first step towards taking control so that we can regulate and step up for ourselves and others, “yes you are feeling like this and that’s ok, now what is it telling me and how can I move on?”
For people who have been taught how to do this as children, it’s second nature. For those of us who weren’t, it has to be learned, and it is about integrating the thinking rational brain and the nervous system. No one is perfect, and emotion coaching isn’t a magic pill, but by cultivating empathy, I believe we are halfway there in being kinder to ourselves and to others.
It is the first step towards self-awareness, self-responsibility, and attachment to who we are, as Dr Daniel Gottman says, “a sense of being”.
To peace and prosperity,
jaxx x
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