In the last four weeks I have introduced how we can use emotion coaching on ourselves. I have talked about the four step process devised by Emotion Coaching UK that’s used to emotion coach children in education settings. I mentioned that emotion coaching is rooted in a parenting style, and whilst doing the course, I realised that it was a much better process (I believe) than traditional ‘reparenting’ - which is a method that seems to me to be quite regressive, infantile, and unstructured in it’s approach. I have utilised many methods during the four years of my Self growth and I would say that reparenting has to be the one that I just never took to. Which is perhaps why I noticed the benefits of utilising emotion coaching for engaging with our emotional world as adults.
During the process of the last four weeks and explaining each step as we would use them with children, and from reading the fantastic book, “Emotion Coaching with Children and Young People in Schools”, by the founders of ECUK, Louise Gilbert, Licette Gus and Janet Rose, I realised, that the order of the steps for adults would, and might often be different to the steps we go through with children.
Why?
Because the point of emotion coaching children is to help them figure out how to better manage behaviour after the have reacted to their emotions - or in fact, as it might often be for adolescents or teens, the lack of emotion (always be wary of children who are very quiet or ‘well-behaved’ - this is not normal and is a potential red flag and ought to be investigated further by trusted professionals). However, for adults who have been suppressing their emotions or disconnected from their feelings, it’s often our behaviour, patterns or things we do (or aren’t doing) that make us unhappy that is the first step to noticing something isn’t right.
It is therefore going to be the case that Step 4 of emotion coaching as set out by ECUK, might be Step 1 for adults who need to get to grips with their emotional world. Step 4 is the problem solving part for emotion coaching children, and what I referred to last week for adults as ‘figuring it out’.
If we aren’t connected to our feelings, it means we aren’t using these most valuable signposts and guides to help us make better decisions in our lives, so we end up making decisions that are not based on our feelings, but are based on unconscious conditioning and how our brains are wired to keep us safe, even if that means making decisions that aren’t good for us. The paradox of the brain!
Take the example of people with an insecure attachment style (which I’ve been doing Russell Hand the Brain Model videos on my Instagram), who can’t understand why they aren’t able to meet someone and form a healthy relationship, who repeat patterns of getting involved with people who are emotionally unavailable, the ‘bad boys’ or the ‘game players’, or the manipulative females, these people aren’t interested in the ones they probably should be so they end up in ‘situationships’, being treated badly, tolerating low standards, and wondering why they aren’t happy.
These people are in survival mode, going back to what they know, when what they need to do is connect to them Selves and their feelings. The trigger could be something along the lines of, “why am I putting up with this?”, “why do I keep meeting people who aren’t good for me?”, “I deserve better than this”, “I’m not happy”, “I keep making the same mistakes with men/women”.
So the behaviour, step 4, is what has made the adult tune into how they are feeling. It wasn’t the feeling, which was probably there all along from day one! But they ignore the red flags, the signs, the feelings they feel and trundle along because the brain is wired to tell them that this chaos, this disconnect is what feels safe because this is, unfortunately, what the brain knows.
Stepping out of this is scary. But this is where emotion coaching is useful as it allows us to continually go to step 1 - which is empathy. We might feel nervous about decisions we might need to make, or feel scared that we are making changes or that we are changing because it feels different. We might feel unsettled about acknowledging that we have to change our patterns and become more conscious about the partners we are choosing. Of course, we don’t need to change, we can keep going as we are, but stupidity is doing the same and expecting different results.
Step 1, having empathy, is our anchor that we can always return to, time and time again, every minute if we need to. As adults who have been disconnected from our feelings we might feel guilty for feeling the way we do, or we might not even know what we feel, or understand why we feel how we do, and it’s all ok. We can tell ourselves, it’s tough, but we can get through it, we are strong.
Step 2 is validating and labeling how we feel which can be a big step towards finding our sense of Self. I am feeling………….. and that’s ok. We need to congratulate ourselves for feeling how we do. Yip, for most people feelings are just normal, but if we’ve been separated from them, why not be dellighted that we are reconnecting with our Selves!
Step 3 is the part which is about setting limits on our behaviour. This takes a lot of introspection, boundaries, and being crystal clear about what we want and need. This is self-exploration.
So what might the steps look like for adults who are disconnected from their feelings? Who knows! It depends. I’d suggest for big problematic patterns and behaviours it looks like:
Step 4: Figuring it out/problem solving - what is happening in my life that I want to change and the want to change, without that want, we stay stuck.
Step 1: Empathy - my feelings matter.
Step 2: Validation - I am feeling…….
Step 1: Empathy - my feelings matter.
Step 3: Setting limits - I have to stop, I have to put boundaries in place, I want to protect my energy so I’m going to stay away from…, I have to limit eating junk food, I have to stop being impulsive, I have to stop drinking, I must stop diving into relationships or having sex too soon, I have to stop gambling, I have to stop spending money on stuff I don’t need…and on it goes.
Step 4: Empathy - my feelings matter.
To peace and prosperity,
jaxx x
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