I bought my first 'self help' book when I was probably 18 or 19? It was a book about self-esteem. I knew then that there was something I had to do to feel better about myself. Little did I know it would take another 20+ years to figure it out. Back then, in my late teens, I had no one to talk to about it. Too ashamed to tell anyone that I felt ugly, different, alone, weird, sad. Outwardly, I was the 'clown' - dripping in sarcasm and dry wit, bravado. Alcohol was good fuel for fake confidence that turned to regret and more shame on a Sunday - 'the fear'. But everyone says and does embarrassing stuff when inebriated so it's fine, it's accepted. Inwardly I was an insecure barren landscape of tumbleweed and mirages.
What were the circumstances that led to my shame filled Self? How has shame affected my life and why does it matter? I'll answer that latter question first.
It matters that I share this because in 2018 when I went to counselling, not once was shame or abandonment mentioned to me. I'd been signposted to a book to do some 'inner child' work (a term I can't get on board with as I find it an infantilising Jungian concept and prefer the more scientific brain wiring and emotional intelligence stuff and emotion coaching for adults who weren't emotion coached as children), and it was suggested I speak to my mum about what happened when I was born, which I did, and it was a relief to do so at 40. I was flippantly told to, 'go and get on with your life' at the end of my eighth (I think it was) session. I still felt like I needed something else. Something in me still wasn't right.
I may fit in for you, but I no longer belong to myself. Brene Brown
Here I am in 2024, six years later, and it's only in the last year that I recognised how much shame has been at the core of my being. That realisation happened randomly at the end of a gym session, when we had to run at the end of the workout, and I was the last one back. I don't know what came over me (shame!) but I felt my eyes water, my stomach churn and all I could think about was grabbing my things and getting the hell out of there. I even remember being a bit rude to a fellow gym goer who said, 'well done' to me, and I couldn't even manage a smile, because to me, I was a big piece of cr@p who couldn't even run as fast as a pregnant woman. I'm not a good runner. But I don't want to be and usually I'm fine with being last or at least, I don't get myself upset about it! Logically, I know my reaction was ridiculous but emotionally, I could see I often go to, 'I'm not good at anything', 'I should have tried harder', 'nothing I do is ever good enough.'
That moment was an illustration of how shame has affected my whole life. It has made me feel like I never belonged, that I wasn't good enough but mostly, shame has made me believe I needed to cover up who I am, or who I was. Which is what I did.
From the outside I probably looked like I was this strong, confident, outspoken, hardworking woman but inside I was a melting pot of unworthiness, lack, fear and inadequacy.
What led to this?
I never knew who my biological father was and it appeared to be a taboo subject that was never talked about, which, in the late 70's and early 80's in a Catholic working class family, well, I can see why 'I' could have brought shame into the home. When I asked my mum, 'where is my dad?', 'oh he's away' was the response, which to that 7 year old girl, as I am now led to believe, it would have landed as, 'it's my fault he's not here. He doesn't love me enough to want to be here with me.'
Was my entire reality based around the needs of my family to protect their shame about my existence?
The not-so-great cover up was a web of lies and smoke and mirrors that erased the way I was brought into the world to give the illusion of a happy family, and it might well have been more common than I can imagine in that time despite the so-called 'sexual liberation movement'. That movement might well be to blame for my conception but was it liberating? Were the circumstances in 1976 of my birth conducive to an experience for all involved that it was liberating? I view that movement as a big ball of lies that has often done more harm than good. But more on that another time.
I do realise the not-so-great cover up was because the adults around me thought it was the right thing to do. 'He's away' was true after all, but it also wasn't the whole truth, which you wouldn't tell a 7 year old anyway. So what do you say to make it land in a way that doesn't end in the child looking for photos or clues about him in her mum's bedroom? Even at that tender age, I was abundantly aware that I was different for not having a father and I wanted to know more. The not-so-great cover up escalated after I was taken out of my childhood home when my mum got married and my step dad was referred to as my dad, my surname was changed and my past was still never talked about.
But I do believe the reality of my reality being something that wasn't ever discussed, created shame in me because I was essentially living a lie. It may have created even more feelings of abandonment as I was not only 'abandoned' by my bio-dad, I was also abandoned from the truth of who I was.
Unraveling this has given me the freedom to make sense of a lot of the behaviours and choices and unconscious living that has happened in my teens, twenties and thirties. This exploration of 'me' started because I wanted to take responsibility for not being able to authentically connect with a healthy man or have a healthy relationship with those I did connect with. Because how can you create healthy, authentic connections if you aren't healthily and authentically connected to who you are? I didn't even know what my wants or needs were and I floated through life in my fog tunnel unable to have my needs met because I didn't have any. One of my best friends even said it to me once, 'what do YOU want'. It didn't land at the time. But I hope that lands with you if you need it to.
I've done a lot of work to get to this point of being able to see myself. I've been on a convoluted path to get here and that's something I'll write more about too. Can there be a clearer pathway for those affected by shame and abandonment? Can we ever reach a point in my lifetime where no child is abandoned physically or emotionally? A pipe dream maybe, but surely one worth having.
To peace and prosperity
jaxx x
NOTE: Please speak to a qualified therapist if you are affected by the topics I write about. Please do NOT do this alone. I would suggest to please tread carefully with cookie-cutter, mass-market social media 'psychotherapists' who sell one-size-fits-all, zero case history or interest in your individual circumstances workbooks or online echo chamber mass communities.
I do recommend Tim Fletcher for helpful insights.
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